“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.


ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.


Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.


To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.


Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.


Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.


When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications