“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.