“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You Might Also Like
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.