Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan