Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”