“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Don’t make me out nice you.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.