Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
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Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.