“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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This is my favorite one of these!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.