Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Cashiers are always checking me out
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.