Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
bro what is going on at twitter
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.