Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Sending in my taxes
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING