Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*