Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I have two kinds of followers
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep