Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Education is vital
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Pigeon open mic night.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is