Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
You Might Also Like
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Nice try, NASA
God has left this place
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.