Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed
MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.
Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.