is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.