@nutsaremixed Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
@postcrunk is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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@nutsaremixed 
@DamienFahey “Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
@sofarrsogud MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
@funnyordie Someone should probably go check on Steve.
@slackerjorge Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
@thomaslennon Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
@Yair_Rosenberg Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
@batkaren Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
@zachary_lampley (Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
@ZackBornstein First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.