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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
never compromise your values
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear