Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Software Development ⛵️
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun