Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS