@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

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@AnnaKendrick47

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

@Cornjerker78

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

@quietlybiased

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@jwoodham

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

@WilliamAder

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@neiltyson

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.