“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You Might Also Like
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me hooking up with my ex
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*eats only grass-fed donuts
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad