“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.