Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”