“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake


Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.


I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.


Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.


[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs


I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.


“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”