“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“i miss shittin on people”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.