@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@st__arving

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@curlycomedy

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

@hardlyrelevant

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

@osigat

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

@Shariv67

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”