Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?