Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.