Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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Siri, fight Alexa.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.