Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
You Might Also Like
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*