Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil