Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”