Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
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*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.