“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
🐕🍷
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.