Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better