Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
You Might Also Like
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The pasta is now
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me