Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”