@alexeptable

Is this a threat?

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@WombatDojo

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

@adamgreattweet

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

@papasuncle

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

@GrantTanaka

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

@tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.