Is this a threat?
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]