I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.