@alexeptable

Is this a threat?

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@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@Gupton68

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

@TheToddWilliams

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@smiles_and_nods

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

@badbanana

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

@Hormonella

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.