Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.