Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You Might Also Like
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
These are too funny not to post 😂
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Oh hi lol
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.