is this how new cars are made??
You Might Also Like
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.