is this how new cars are made??
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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.