Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I feel attacked.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon