is this store having a stroke wtf
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
How funny!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then