Is this the real life?
Is this just
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”