Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Batman v Dracula
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.