“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
a fate I wish upon no one
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.