Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.


If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.


“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center


*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*


If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.


No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.


Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.


Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date


“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL


The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.