Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Spell check is for lasers.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator