@WilliamAder
@inojperez [Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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@inojperez 
@notmythirdrodeo 5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
@_odlanyeR I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
@GFGander How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
@Alpot2022 I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
@RxitWounds POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
@seamusmckracken If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
@DirtMcTurd I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
@bobsaget On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
@AsgardianRose Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.