is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I feel it
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
i did the math
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.