Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
What?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala