Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”