IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Well, this certainly took a turn
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work