@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You Might Also Like
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Festive toon…
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
#StillHurts
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me: