@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.