ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
bout dat hot dog summer
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Noah was an idiot.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
#NeverForget
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.