Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus