isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT